Monday, 9 April 2012

Little Voice

NOAOS says that he misses the old me, that I am too quiet now, lost in my own thoughts or simply half asleep... he misses me.
I know he's right...I don't have anything to say...don't even have anything to write either. 

'What would I talk about,' I ask.

'What you were reading or had read. A film, a news story. Something you had cooked or were intending to; what the dog did, what dad said. You had an opinion on everything.'

I mull this over then my digress button switches my thoughts again and I remember what had occupied me early this morning and wonder was it worth repeating. I had been thinking of a radio program I'd heard the evening before...a conversation between two comedians... Mark Steele and Jeremy ? Couldn't for the life of me remember his surname. I went through the alphabet...Jeremy A, Jeremy B etc.. I must have worried that particular bone for half an hour. As if my life depended on it. Then it came to me...Hardy, Jeremy Hardy...phew!
 I'm still trying to think of something to say that would be worth the effort. How to explain that nowadays I don't have an opinion about anything because nothing has any importance and it all takes strength I don't have to justify this stance. I hate it...this aching tiredness that effects even inside my head. I realise that I have been quiet for sometime. I have to say something.

‘I should think you would welcome the break,’ I say weakly.

‘Ah Ma! You’ll be back...just get the chemo over with and you will be back to normal.’

‘I hope so, love.’ And I want to add “or it has not been worth the effort” but I don’t have the energy.

18 comments:

  1. Watch for a post from you.......hang in there, Moannie. Better days are coming.

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  2. it is worth the energy ...and it will get better .. been there, done that ..

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  3. Thinking of you from down here.
    Hope you find something to make each day better than the last.
    Xx

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  4. Full marks for an entertaining post, despite 'energy level low' - not everybody could do that! *smiles* ♥

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  5. I hope you get better soon.

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  6. You may feel low and quiet but I know that, just as NOAOS says, pretty soon you will be back and feeling better....and we are looking forward to seeing you again.

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  7. Your post was certainly worth your effort...my girlfriend kept a journal and now she can look back at it and realize just how far she's come. Also, my dear Lorne is so much better now and grateful for all the effort it did take. Hang in there...better days to come.

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  8. Honey, you could share with us what color your underwear are today and we'd read it, because you make life real. Keep healing, we'll be here. Hugs!

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  9. See....you had something to say... something that was VERY important for all of us who are "waiting for the old you" to come back...we needed to know how you are feeling inside....what your quietness is telling us. You did a great job conveying your feelings just now. We all understand, too. We know that in your shoes, we would be feeling exactly as you are. Hugs.

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  10. You are you and whatever you have to say, or be silent on, Moannie, we are with you during The View From The Other End, my sweetheart xxx

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  11. Chemo and steroids help to dampen all artistic inspiration (as well as making you feel so tired). It is only natural. So do painkillers.) Your body has taken a battering. I'm sure *the old you* will return. Just hang in there.
    Maggie X

    Nuts in May

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  12. Hang in there, Moannie. It will be worth the effort. YOU'll be back.

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  13. Boy! You really hit the nail on the head about having an opinion -or not -these days! That's exactly how I feel anymore and I used to be really, really, REALLY opinionated so it's a huge switch that apparently has been turned off in me. Sometimes, I wish it would get turned back on and then, other times, I think, maybe not. We shall see, I guess.

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  14. Moannie, this doesn't sound like you. I suppose that was the point of it, but I'll tell you what... If you're even thinking of letting down and giving in, in any way whatsoever, I'll fly over there and kick your arse.

    Keep that jolly thought in mind, and get better! :-)

    You do know that I love you, and so does everybody else here, and (as Gaelyn said) you could post about the color of your undies and we'd find it interesting.

    (Well, you know me. I'm just an old pervert, so I'd find it especially interesting.)

    Enough of my rabbiting. Love, hugs, prayers, and (I promise) no arsekicking (so long as you keep up your end of the bargain!)

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  15. Leave it to Davis said exactly what I wanted to say, only better than I would have said it. Go read her comment again, and add my hugs to that.

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  16. ah moannie, i suppose it's to be expected. we love you no matter what and we're don't require you to entertain us. you've got to be directing your energy to getting well right now so creativity and spunk in other areas may suffer a bit and that ok for now. do what you have to do.

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  17. I miss you so much. Please get much better soon. I was thinking about you today while I was imaging my papers at work, wondering if JP is fussing over you enough....if your kids are coming to see you....if Milou is laying beside you. Just wanted you to know how very much you are in my thoughts. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs.

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  18. So glad to see your comment on my blog! You could have just put an asterik or exclamation point to let me know you are still out there somewhere, and I would have been thrilled. Hugs, hugs and more hugs!

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