RAGE, RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE BRAIN CELLS!

 D-scribes on her Blog here has written about her struggles with technology  and it stirred me to write about my latest tussle with that which is as simple as ABC to any child from age one.

At the beginning of this month I bought a new mobile, well, eighteen days ago to be exact; I know this because I had nineteen days to change it if it was all too complicated for me. So I'm keeping it because, well, tomorrow is the 19th day and I could very well walk all the way into town to the phone shop and the girl could say, 'Sorry Madam. Up to but not including the 19th.' and I'll scream and say 'Bitch!!!' to the sweet little thing who, when I took it back a week ago held the bloody thing and  her slender young fingers darted over the qwerty keyboard [which is precisely what sold it to me originally + the fact that it looks like a Blackberry even though it is a Pay as you go]

Me: Why can't I get caller id? I mean who can remember 11 digit phone numbers?
Her: [ Obviously dying to say that she could remember any number of them] So you go here to Options, then Settings then scroll down, click on and...there, simple!
Me: Do you think you could go over that again, slowly.

She repeated the actions again at a speed slightly less than that of light.

Her: [looking at the receipt] You still have a few more days, I think it will get easier, and [all this without ever looking directly at me, as if the sight of my old face might strike her dead] if you really must have a Qwerty, [smarmy cow] then I'm afraid  they are all this complicated.

Me: And there was no manual..just this flimsy piece of paper that I can only read with a magnifying glass and when I did manage to  read it it only tells me what it can do but not HOW TO DO IT!  My son had to go online for me and  eventually found the manual and printed out all forty seven pages but they still don't tell me how to DO IT!
I am aware that my voice is getting louder, that the staff are giving each other looks and sighing a lot.

At this precise moment a man, middle aged, nice face, seemed to have all his wits about him, chimed in:

Man: If  uncomplicated is what you want you should get one of these.' and out of his pocket he pulled a large lump of mobile...the ones with the huge keys and an on/off switch...in technicolour.   I wanted to ask if it had stereophonic sound as well; think he was old enough to know what that was...Good old MGM.

Me:[with a rictus smile that is wasted on the girl as she still has not glanced my way]  OK, you're probably right. I'll give it another day or two.

This phone can text, do something called direct messaging, connect me to facebook, twitter and  email. It has a camera for stills and video, and  can connect me to the whole wide world web thingey and probably bake a cake but it cannot let me know who is texting me. Nor am I able to assign a sound to alert me to texts [should anyone text me; the bloody thing has remained ominously silent].


Later the next day: Lord I'm good. Found the sound icon and, although it seemed to be written in a foreign language sussed out the settings. I cannot tell you, or anyone else who should ask, how I did it. Can't find the route again, but at least it makes a noise, well, it would if someone would text me.

Now I must find out how to set caller id: just in case someone remembers I'm their mum. Or I could join Twitter? Heck, what would I write about? Having trouble doing a simple post.