Tuesday 7 August 2012

A Rock and a Hard Place

Dear everyone, you must know how happy it makes me to receive your comments. At the moment I am between a rock and a very hard place, hence the title. Last week I went with NOAOS to see my Consultant with regard my recent scan results. It ain't good. The Fecker has come back with a vengeance in the last two months since I have ceased Chemo treatment. The Consulting room was filled with an air of doom and nobody could meet my eyes. Looks to the ground and walls as I tried to take in the news.

A short sharp shock of Radiotherapy has just made me feel worse. There were supposed to be no side effects but it has wiped me out completely.

Two choices my friends: let nature take its course, or undergo more Chemo which I know is going to be difficult if not impossible.

My Consultant says that if I do nothing I have between 3-6 months, to quote her "it's very difficult to say for sure, as everyone is different". That's the Rock, as for the Hard Place it's a case of Chemo again only this time it will be less effective than before and more devastating for me physically with a view to extending my days. I honestly don't know what to do but I have to make a decision by the weekend or further treatment will be ineffective. Whatever I decide I will keep writing or dictating my Blog until the end. You have been warned!

At the same time as this going on, JP went into Hospital yesterday for a triple A; Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm. I am very relieved to say that the operation seems to have gone well. A Stent was inserted into place to relieve the pressure. They reckon it would have ruptured within six months. Talk about fate, it was only discovered by accident when he passed some blood. Turned out it was a Kidney Stone (which didn't cause any pain) and was sent for a routine Ultrasound check-up, whereupon they saw the 'bubble'. He is due to come home in a few days but remains to be seen how he will be going forward.

As someone who 'manages' me and has been my Primary Carer for the last year, we will have to lean on each other from now on. Not the way I wanted or believed it would turn out but there's still time to pull out the Million to 1 shot and take the Fecker down!

Thank you my friends for your continued thoughts, prayers and love. It has made a huge difference over this last year and of course since we met in Blogland.

It ain't over 'til it's over.


  1. Love you, moanie
    No other words come just now

  2. Oh, Moannie. My eyes are filled with tears as I read these words that I surely didn't want to read. I cannot imagine how you must feel. To think of us in this time, to share these thoughts and emotions with us....you are just so unselfish.
    You have fought such a valiant fight. I hate to see you give up now, but can imagine how tired you must be of all the chemo and radiotherapy. I will be praying for help in making the right decision for you.
    My love and my prayers are with you and JP and the rest of your family. Hugs, hugs, hugs.
    I will continue to be hanging on your every word, you dear, sweet wonderful woman. Know one thing....you are loved.

  3. At the risk of offending you, which I surely don't want to do, I will offer my opinion of your dilemma. Certainly, you can tell me to 'feck off', and I won't mind at all.
    It is only YOUR decision to make, and a difficult one. But having been a nurse for 30 years of my life, and seeing more than I ever wanted to see, I have come to a conclusion that I have always hoped to be strong enough to implement, should the occasion arise. And that is this: some cancers are not going to be stopped. Period. You can have the chemo, because that is what cancer doctors prescribe.....much like going to a candy store, they don't have bread, they have candy..........so cancer doctors do what they are trained to do, they offer what they have. It ain't good. It kills all cells, and makes you so sick, you wish the end would come. For what? Look at the statistics. Everyone thinks that they will be the one to beat it. That being said, there are some, caught early, where chemo will give them TIME, but not in a lot of cases. Do some research. If the numbers say a million to one, then my advice, at least to myself, would be ......don't do it. Take the time left to you, and do what makes you happy......physically, you may not feel wonderful, but you surely will not be devastated by the chemo, which will ravage your body.
    I think that Eastern medicine has a better outlook on all of this....they don't go to extreme measures to stop the inevitable, making someone's last days miserable.
    Take the time you have, Moannie, make it yours. Don't give it to chemo.

  4. This is so hard. How wonderful it would be if only I could offer something other than prayer and my very best wishes for you. You have been so generous to share the ups and downs of this formidable trial. You have managed to enthrall me with the dignity of your humanity -- it is a legacy for all of us who have been fortunate enough to discover your blog, to discover 'you'.

  5. Whatever you decide, know that you are loved by scores of people out here in the blogiverse. We're all pulling for you, supporting you, and sending you the best of all our wishes. Thanks for being open and honest with your blog, and allowing us to become part of your story. It's an honor.

  6. As for me I choose to pray for you, that the decision you make is the right one, for healing and most of all for peace of mind...I've grown to love your site and as a side effect to love you. Your humor is going to be your strength, and all your friends, online or off, will be standing behind you to catch you when you fall...have faith dear friend, God will see you through.
    warm healing hugs and many prayers
    Sandi McBride from Holding Patterns...

  7. We all come to an end and it's a crossing we ultimately make alone, from this side anyway. I think I would prefer my end to be mine and not sick as a dog for an extra few weeks. Go forth in love and beauty.

  8. Dearest Moannie,
    whatever you decide will be best.
    I for once believe in miracles. I'd say, give it a shot. It might just to the trick. I really believe it. You are a fighter, and fighting's never easy. Important is that we pull the shots.
    Much love, you are in my thoughts,

  9. sending blessings and white light as you decide the next path in your journey~

  10. I just want you to know something. Today. Right now.

    You have touched more hearts and people in far-flung places than you can ever know. People like me. We'll never meet (not on this planet this time 'round). But you are an inspiration and a bringer of light and joy.

    Thank you.

    Whatever happens next, please know you are loved and appreciated.

  11. You are strong of spirit, if not of body just now.........you will know what to do, and we will be wishing you well every step of the way. X

  12. I've followed your blog for a long time, and worried and prayed for you since you got your diagnosis. You've come to a time when a horrible decision must be made, one that you and your loved ones will have to make. No one can ease your burden, but know that you've touched many with your words and will live on in our hearts and thoughts.

  13. Whatever you decide - we all love you. Very upset that this dreaded evil has picked on a very lovely lady. Hugs ~ Eddie

  14. Go forward with hope that the specialist is erring on the dark side. There could be many, many more months worthy of your participation. Does that change the weight of the equation? I hope so.

  15. I'd personally pass on Chemo. But whatever you decide I hope you'll keep on writing your wonderful stories. I am sad for you. Big Hugs!

  16. Sending good thoughts your way... Hope you kick some Fecker butt!! Keep writing...

  17. Difficult words you have written for us to read and even more difficult, I would imagine, for you to write them in the first place. I'm not going to presume to give you advice here. Take whichever path that gives you the most peace of mind. None of us likes to face the facts of life that we are not immortal and that someday, we all will reach the end of the line. But no matter your choice, I will continue to look forward to your posts and your spirit will permeate my readings that way and it's that -the spirit -that will be most meaningful to you, your family and your friends -here and elsewhere. Fight the Fecker to the end, Moanie -in your own way!

  18. As someone who is currently going through the same thing, (my cancer cannot be cured, only contained and will kill me eventually) I too will have to come to this decision sooner or later. Do you continue to battle on, grabbing hold of every type of treatment you can no matter what the side effects, or do you call a halt, admit defeat and (as long as the palliative care takes care of any pain) wait for the inevitable. Like you Moanie, I will dread having to get to that point, I am a carer for my Down's Syndrome daughter and will of course have her to consider.
    At least your hubbies Aneurysm was spotted and has been dealt with which is a blessing. I know its a cliché but try to keep smiling and I know you'll make the right decision for you.

  19. My Mum faced a similar dilemma - she didn't want to say no to the chemo, i think because she feared what we (her children) might think. I told her it was her decision as best I could - she was torn in two about it. In the end the last test concluded there was nothing more to be done. I think she was glad the decision was taken out of her hands. She'd fought for a long time against something where the end was know simply being delayed...

    So the one thing I suppose I'm trying to say is whatever decision you want to make, erase the worry about the others from your mind.

  20. Much love and many hugs to you, Moanie. Embrace life and all the blessings you have! {{{{{hugs from Colorado}}}}}}

  21. Beautiful Moannie. I know that whatever you decide will be right. You must know how many of us love you dearly. Sending you love, hugs and warmth.

  22. I don't have any advice, only love. I wish there was something I could do, but you're in my thoughts.

  23. i am sorry i am so late in getting to this post. i am sorry for the news you've received and the scare jp has had too. i am so glad for your last line though. it ain't over til it's over is absolutely right. you've got the love of the family close to you and all of us here in blogland. you've got a strong spirit. you've got my prayers as you wrestle with this decision. much love and many hugs.

  24. Bugger! Not much else to say is there.

    No advice from me - it's past the week-end anyway so I assume you've taken your decision. I suspect that whatever that decision is it will be the right one for you.

    Thoughts and a hug,

  25. Moannie:

    Damn it. I've been so tied up in my own silly affairs that I hadn't come to visit for a week or so. Hilary alerted me to this post. Sorry for the time between visits!

    What can I say, other than to tell you that I love you and I know so many others do also? By the time you read my words, you will have chosen a course of action. Whatever you decide, rest assured my thoughts and prayers are with you and with JP.

    XXXOOO (I wish they could be in person)

  26. OK, having said what I said above, I'd like to add something. Sometimes, what we see as pure tragedy actually contains small gifts.

    What I mean is this: We all, without exception, will leave this world. It is only a matter of time. What you may have, depending upon what you choose, is a more concrete sense of when. Most of us will never be granted that.

    Now, maybe you would rather it be as much of a surprise to you as it will be for most of us. Maybe you'd rather not know. I'm pretty much of that mind myself, and I think, given the choice, I would choose ignorance of my own demise. You MAY not have that option. And my advice, if you DON'T have that option? Embrace it. Tell the rotten Fecker, "Thank You for giving me this rare opportunity."

    You will be able to tie up your loose ends in a more realistic fashion than most of the other folks on this planet. You will see things with more clarity. Many decisions will become much easier (you will not suffer wastes of time gladly, for instance.) You may find a certain freedom in all of this. I hope so.

    Well, I suppose I'm giving you a bit of Eric Idle philosophy ("Always look on the bright side of life...") but I hope it is helpful.

    Again, whatever else there is, there is love. Count on it.

  27. I've only just read this Moannie because I've not been well enough to do much blogging myself recently.
    I'm sure you'll cling to life for as long as you can and I am so sorry that you've been through so much for so little time.
    Always thinking of you and wishing you well. Wish I could do something to make it go away.
    Maggie X

    Nuts in May

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