This and That

Lately I have been disorientated. There has been a terribly bright object in the sky sending down rivers of heat. Even the nights have been warm. I have been going out to sit in its glow, coming inside again when I got too hot and in between just sitting, agog with wonder at the apparition which caused people to shed clothing [especially blokes who really shouldn't] and actually made everyone smile for no reason.

Today the madness is over; the skies are grey and overcast and it just might rain...heyho!

I am beginning to get over my baldness. Something appears to be sprouting...very white and curly, about half a centimetre...people stare...and for the briefest of moments think "Ah!" and "Thank God it isn't me." then they look away, embarrassed knowing I know what they're thinking  for I would have thought the same...before.


Began a book which I shall definitely finish. Called Triptych  by the aptly named Karin Slaughter it is a murder mystery. A writer new to me but she is good, very good, incredible plotting and in depth detailing not often I'm page turning with shaking hands...even though I did suss out the bad guy early on the race is on to see true justice done.

It didn't rain after all.

BITS AND PIECES

Write something, anything, remember Annie how a blank sheet of paper was always a challenge? Don't say nothing's happening, something is always happening. So get on with it.

Sazzie has been down here with us since last Friday. Lovely to see her and feed her, boy does she love her food, a joy to cook for, and I have been cooking again. She and JP have gone to the Hospital for his third CT scan...he's getting quite the old hand.


JP had a Hypoglycaemic episode on Saturday afternoon. He was mowing the lawn and I said, not putting two and two together 'You look dreadful, come and sit down' but he carried on until Sazzie said she would finish up t he job.  Suddenly he sat down next to me and began  talking gibberish and looked as if he had had a stroke. I ran into the house for a tube of Glucose [they are in every room] and Saz ran for sugar water and a banana. Luckily he didn't lose consciousness but couldn't stand for some time before getting him into the house. Two hours later he was back to normal and could not remember a thing he had said or done...just as well.
Oh, and Milou would not leave his side...just kept close with a look of such anxiousness in his lovely brown eyes.

Saturday was also the first day that I was able to use my new Cradle Hammock...not the lovely hammock I imagined but jolly comfortable and 'twas cheap. It has rained or been too cold every day since I bought the thing a month ago.

I am well. I get a bit stronger every day and am going to have a six week break before Radiography thank goodness, I was truly dreading it.

NOAOS is still in lots of pain but is showing a remarkable recovery...he is determined to be back behind the wheel earlier that the six-week period his doctor said.

So there you have it...a page filled. Perhaps it might be a good idea for me to dredge up something from 'The History' for my next post. Anyway, I'm still here and you my loves, are there. XXX

Electric needles.

Oncologist has suggested to might be fun to have a few sessions of Radiotherapy and I, irrationally, am scared stupid. I know that there are side effects to this treatment but my doses would be very light in comparison to those for whom it could be dangerous, and my hesitation seemed seriously debilitating, until, that is, my Eureka moment last night.

As always when presented with an enigma, I simply worry it the way a dog worries a bone. Then light dawned...of course I am going to be afraid of Radiotherapy...as I was at aged five. Terrified of the giant machine containing 'electric needles' which were going to remove all my hair and the dreaded Ringworm infesting my scalp.
I must have been one of the first children to be treated by this new discovery of Radium...I cannot help but think it was like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

NOAOS has left hospital a day early with his new knee.
JP has three scans next week.
Must bathe the dog.
Still no sunshine.

A GOOD NEWS DAY

Went to see my Oncologist yesterday. A scheduled visit to learn the results of my latest scan and find out if the Fecker is resisting or waving surrender. She shows me the first scan taken of my chest some months ago and puts the latest scan next to it and the effect is startling. Not gone completely, that would be a miracle, but reduced from half my lung to a mere small strip that will be smithereened by my next and last chemo. I now have a good chance of a period of remission where I shall be back to my old fighting form and my garden party idea is firming up.

NOAOS who was with me, grinned like a good 'un and gave me a high five...Saz hooted and punched the air [she told me she did, she was on the phone] and Lita Mona burst into tears of joy and relief when I called her; and JP smiled and hugged me.

 How can I fail to get better when wrapped in so much love?

Now we can concentrate on NOAOS's op in two weeks time and JP's triple A stent op.

Little Voice

NOAOS says that he misses the old me, that I am too quiet now, lost in my own thoughts or simply half asleep... he misses me.

I know he's right...I don't have anything to say...don't even have anything to write either. 

'What would I talk about,' I ask.

'What you were reading or had read. A film, a news story. Something you had cooked or were intending to; what the dog did, what dad said. You had an opinion on everything.'

I mull this over then my digress button switches my thoughts again and I remember what had occupied me early this morning and wonder was it worth repeating. I had been thinking of a radio program I'd heard the evening before...a conversation between two comedians... Mark Steele and Jeremy ? Couldn't for the life of me remember his surname. I went through the alphabet...Jeremy A, Jeremy B etc.. I must have worried that particular bone for half an hour. As if my life depended on it. Then it came to me...Hardy, Jeremy Hardy...phew!

 I'm still trying to think of something to say that would be worth the effort. How to explain that nowadays I don't have an opinion about anything because nothing has any importance and it all takes strength I don't have to justify this stance. I hate it...this aching tiredness that effects even inside my head. I realise that I have been quiet for sometime. I have to say something.

‘I should think you would welcome the break,’ I say weakly.

‘Ah Ma! You’ll be back...just get the chemo over with and you will be back to normal.’

‘I hope so, love.’ And I want to add “or it has not been worth the effort” but I don’t have the energy.

Best to say it...

Almost ready to drop off into that mysterious place where I sleep with the help of zopi something or other; a thought entered my head and needed voicing.

'Where would I be if I didn't have you?'
At first I thought he had already fallen asleep or was doing the old trick of ignoring me.

'Well, we wouldn't be here for a start.'

'I don't mean had I not met you in the fifties, ensnared you,  married you and had kids. And of course that would be all different.' I day dream a petite moment on how I might have hooked up with a calm stiff upper lip type...
I'm talking about what you have done, what you do for me, how you don't stop working and carry out all or most [the house is not the cleanest it's ever been]   of the daily chores.Without you I would be lost, or tucked away in some Council Nursing Home.'

'Not as long as I'm breathing, cherie. Go to sleep'

I love it when he is masterful.

A Visit to Chemo

Or, my original title, abandoned when the strike through wouldn't work in the title box...

The C word ward.

Cathedral ward is not a ward in the normal sense of beds and lockers. It is a large room where large comfy looking [but growing steadily more uncomfortable as the hours drag by] leather armchairs line the walls  in curtained bays. Each bay has a wall of plugs, lights, and fan behind the chairs, and drip stands with special boxlike attachments which cleverly time the speed of the poisons delivered to us in an effort to kill or cure us or, in my case, prolong my life.

All the chairs are occupied. Some patients relax and read or do puzzles others talk to their companions, seldom is anyone alone. NOAOS and I talk or play scrabble on his remarkable phone. He is not too well this week and it is very hot in the ward. An hour drags by as my arms are wrapped in a heat pad in an effort to enlarge my tiny veins .
Success at last only two attempts,then 10minutes of a flush, 30 minutes first chemo. bag, another flush and final chemo. bag of 60minutes  and another flush. Only 3hours and 40 minutes...then another wait as my drugs are collected explained and handed over..  I was given some Steroids so I'm quite happy.  No time today for joy rides so it is straight back home.

I nag NOAOS to make an appointment to see his doctor. He now has a date for his knee replacement operation; please please let there be an end to his pain.

I feel OK but I know that by day two/three that awful lethargy will have hit me and I'll be good for nada. Still, just one more to go and we'll see.

Ta Ta darlings. Hope I haven't written anything that could scare a newbie...it truly is a pain free experience simply rather boring...oh and take your own lunch...their sandwiches are either processed cheese or ham.

And the nurses are all totally fabulous, hard-working, dedicated, funny and have become friends.